I’ve spent the last few weeks just trying to figure out what to say and do and how to evaluate and think and feel.

I am all over the fucking place. This is evidence of me starting this blog on June 17 and not being able to even update it until June 25. Shit is exhausting. Every day is exhausting. One day I’m feeling almost optimistic? And then the next fucking second, sadness is knocking me on my damn ass.

Here’s a new update, July 20, because the thought of finishing this blog is incredibly daunting. I’ve been working extremely hard this past month to channel my rage and despair into something more productive while also finding moments for myself to relax and find peace.

Writing about being a Black woman in America threatens that inner peace and balance I’ve managed to scrape together for myself lately. Even reading the words from the beginning of this post made me flinch because I can acutely recall the pain I felt when I was writing them.

Despair is dangerous. It seeps into the cracks of your mind like a molten liquid and then solidifies quickly before you can root it out. And there’s like … no real way out of it; besides time? Medication? Marijuana? Writing? What? What pulled me out of my abject despair?

I guess, getting more involved with the community and pulling back from toxic friendships helped a lot. Physically sweating and helping people (even whilst being harassed by the cops for no reason, other than existing) did wonders for my mental health, in a way I wasn’t expecting. It took me out of myself, out of my isolation and put my rage, despair, depression to good use. By the end of one particular weekend, I felt almost healed. I’ve spent most of July feeling calmer, more focused and centered even as I still grow more frustrated every day with the country I was born in.

Why are Jonathan Mattingly, Brett Hankison and Myles Cosgrove (Breonna Taylor’s murderers) still allowed to walk around without charges, at the bare fucking minimum?

Where is the goddamn federal mask mandate that would absolutely help us collectively curb the spike in COVID cases?

How the fuck are so many people in the Black community virulently fucking antisemitic?

Why do men resort to cruelty in the face of an intelligent Black woman?

Can anyone explain to me why businesses are still reopening in states where cases are spiking? Anyone?
(* yells * “CAPITALISM IS A DEATH CULT!”)

Why are so many Americans (white Americans) openly embracing fascism?

If you’re reading this, please ask yourself each of these questions very carefully like they’re an essay assignment. I know the answer to all of these questions. I just wonder if anyone else besides Black women do. Like, really.

Perhaps one day, I’ll write a post on dumping toxic friendships, relationships and connections, even at the risk of being labeled “the Angry Black Woman” and missing out on opportunities or “fun things.” Contorting my ideals, personality and opinions to appeal to whiteness and white family members or friends gasped its last breath in May. I’m better for it.

Organizations/Mutual Aid Funds you can help:

https://www.gofundme.com/f/homeless-black-trans-women-fund
https://www.tamirericefoundation.org/donate
http://neweradetroit.com/chapters/
Specific to Tribal Communities
More listed here (please make sure to vet who/what you’re donating to)